The Words I Never Said, The Words I Should Have Said
by lizzybennettdarcy
Summary: Slade Wilson wins a game that Oliver didn't realise they were even playing. Secrets have a way of tearing his whole world apart. Felicity Smoak was never supposed to be the collateral damage of one of those secrets. He needs to find her before it's too late, before Slade really wins for good. Inspired by "Words" by Skylar Grey.
1. Secrets

**So here's another story that probably was only supposed to be a long one-shot but is now a multi-chapter. I just had this crazy thought the other night and then I heard this song and Voila! It's probably a bit OOC but Oliver does keep a lot of secrets...sometimes because he thinks it's for the best and it just isn't. This is mostly in canon up until where we left off tonight. **

**There's more to this fic, I'm about half-way through the second chapter. Anyways, let me know if you want to read more. Enjoy!**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

It took him too long to realise she was gone. By the time he figured it out, it was too late. He had no one to blame but himself.

* * *

_"So nice of you to join us, Kid." Slade mocked from his place behind the two women._

_Oliver stepped forward and threw back the hood. Laurel shook with fear, her eyes pleading to be saved from a criminal she didn't understand. His gaze moved to the stoic blonde who knelt next to her. Tears stained Felicity's cheeks but she remained quiet, staring stonily past him. _

_"I don't understand." Oliver admitted, eyes never leaving Felicity. "You already did this. Why them?"_

_Slade chuckled and Laurel choked on a sob. "I told you one more person would die."_

_Oliver shook his head. "No."_

_"Please, Ollie. Please." Laurel begged and Oliver ripped his attention from Felicity to look at her. She was a mess, begging for him to save her over Felicity. He resented her for it, he realised suddenly. Sara and Shado hadn't begged him for their lives. His Mother had willingly sacrificed herself so that he would never need to choose between herself and Thea. None of those women would have valued their life above another's. His grey eyes snapped back to Felicity._

_"Anything to say, Miss Smoak?" Slade asked as Oliver willed her to look at him. He needed to see her blue eyes. He needed her, selfish as it was, he needed her right now. _

_Felicity jerked her head from left to right, eyes never raising to meet Oliver's. Her defiance only spurred on Laurel's pleas and Oliver closed his eyes. _

_"Tick tock." Slade's chuckle turned into a growl and Oliver's eyes popped open. "I told you to come alone."_

_Oliver pivoted on his heel and saw that the League had followed him, flanking him from all sides. Several arrows containing the cure were now pointed at Slade's chest. Sara scrambled forwards and pulled Laurel to her feet and away from Slade._

_"Felicity?" Confusion filled him as she remained on her knees. She closed her eyes and he watched as several tears escaped. She moved slowly from her knees and stood to face Slade. Oliver stepped forwards, desperate to get her away from Slade. Slade's face split into a grin just before the League loosed their arrows. Oliver reached Felicity's side in time to watch his former friend fall. _

_A harsh laugh escaped Slade's lips as the cure began to wrack his body in spasms. "I win, Kid."_

_Oliver shook his head. The Mirakuru really had warped his brain. He felt Felicity move away from him and he turned to follow her._

_"Ollie!" Laurel cried out, mere moments before she launched herself into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her waist and breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn't hurt. His eyes however, followed Felicity as she moved away from him and through the various members of the League. A frown crossed his face as she disappeared into the crowd. He pulled away from Laurel and made to follow the Blonde but Laurel wrapped a hand around his and pulled him to a stop. "Ollie, we should talk."_

_"What?" He glanced over at her quickly before turning his attention back to searching for Felicity through the crowd of black-clad assassins. _

_"We should talk, I know you aren't with Sara anymore and I'm just so relieved that-" Laurel trailed off. "Ollie, are you even listening to me?"_

_"I have to go." He replied, pulling his hand from hers and limping away from her. She called after him but he ignored her as the assassins parted for him. He reached the back of the group but Felicity was already gone. _

* * *

"Give her some space." Dig advised for the fourth time. She hadn't responded to any of his texts but she had responded to one of John's. "She went through a lot last night. We all did. I'll go by tomorrow to see her."

Dig clapped him on the shoulder before turning to limp out of the Foundry. The three of them would need to start moving things to the secondary lair the next night. Roy had retained his super strength after the single dosage served only to temper his rage. His skills would be necessary to move some of Felicity's super computers.

Oliver thumbed the lock on his phone again.

He needed to talk to her. He needed to find out if she was okay. He hadn't seen her since she'd left that rooftop and he needed to.

_Give her some space_.

He blew out a long breath and limped towards his cot. He'd call her the next afternoon if she didn't come by.

She'd come by. He was sure of it.

* * *

It took him too long to realise that something was different. He'd brushed the changes off as being a by-product of her absence the day before. But as he walked through the lair the next morning he realised that things weren't normal. He narrowed his eyes as they swept over every surface of the lair meticulously.

Her sweater wasn't hung up on the portable coat rack by the door. The bright pink one with the beaded decorative flowers. She left it there because she said the lair got cold at night when she was running searches. She'd started wearing it after he'd caught her wearing one of his hoodies for the umpteenth time. Not that he'd minded. But she'd clearly been embarrassed about wearing another woman's boyfriend's sweater.

He tried to remember if maybe she'd been wearing it during the mission but knew that she hadn't been. She'd been wearing all black, joking sadly that she needed to be more 'badass and less me'. Oliver should have told her that there was no one as badass as she was. He'd let it slide though and now he wished he hadn't.

He walked towards the coat rack and noticed that her fluffy socks were missing as well. He'd bought them for her months before when she'd complained about how sore her feet were each night after wearing 'secretary heels'. She'd beamed ear to ear when she unwrapped a pair of purple and pink slipper socks and sighed contentedly as she pulled them onto her cold feet.

Those socks never left the lair. She cleaned them in the back when she cleaned his hood uniform.

Something akin to panic began to bloom in his chest as he stormed towards her desk. The computers remained where they'd been since she'd first set them up, though the screens were off and they hadn't been when they left to fight Slade. Which meant she'd come here right after. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She wouldn't leave. She wouldn't.

His hand reached out and brushed along the cool surface of the desk, his eyes popping open. Her T.A.R.D.I.S mug was gone.

And that's when he knew.

"_I win, Kid."_

Slade had told her. Slade had found out and told her the one thing that Oliver should never have kept from her. Oliver had only lied to her once before. But his omission of truth in this instance was infinitely worse than that.

She would never forgive him.

* * *

Oliver's hands shook as he fought to get Diggle's key in the lock.

"_Dig, just give me the key. I can't explain right now. I promise I will. Please." He added desperately. _

_His friend stared at him curiously before dropping the key in his hand and watching as Oliver ran up the stairs and out of Verdant._

The front door swung open and Oliver stepped forwards. He didn't call out because he knew that no one was home.

He'd never been in her home before. How was it possible that he'd never been there? Felicity was his best friend and his partner. She knew him better than anyone else. But he'd never stopped by to hang out, or check on her.

He moved through the apartment before walking into her bedroom. There were folded clothes on the bed and drawers hung out haphazardly. But it wasn't the signs of packing that held his attention; it was the framed photo that rested atop her bed. He swallowed thickly as he stared down at the family photo. His hand shook as he reached out and picked it up. The resemblance was actually uncanny, he didn't know why he hadn't seen it sooner. If he had-

She was gone.

Anger bubbled up from deep within his chest and with a roar he threw the frame across the room. He allowed the self-hatred to consume him as he watched it explode against the wall and shower the room with glass.

He had known. He had known and instead of telling her, he'd pushed her away. And now she was gone.

* * *

Oliver sat against the wall of her bedroom as he stared at the broken picture frame. His phone rang and he grappled for it, praying it was her.

It wasn't.

"Turn on the TV." Dig demanded before hanging up.

Oliver scrambled to his feet and left the room without a second glance. He sat heavily on her couch and turned the TV on. The regular programming had all been interrupted by the news reports of the Starling City Nightmare.

"- former Queen Consolidated employee emailed the evidence to the Channel 5 news crew just hours ago. The information proves that Isobel Rochev was in fact involved heavily in the events of two nights ago. She wrested control of QC away from the Queens' with the sole purpose of revenge. She allotted funds to help pay for the drug that Slade Wilson's army used to take out half of the city. She was also involved in the kidnapping of Thea Queen and the subsequent murder of Moira Queen." The anchorman told the camera excitedly. "Miss Rochev is currently in police custody with Slade Wilson. The QC board of directors have yet to comment on the situation. This is the second time in under a year that the CEO of Queen Consolidated has been involved in a mass murder plot."

The anchorwoman nodded. "Yes, but insiders are telling us that the Board of Directors are planning on reinstating Oliver Queen as CEO. Under his guidance the company managed to begin to rise from the ashes of the Undertaking. One insider tells us that Mr. Queen should be reinstated within the hour and his family fortune returned."

Oliver's jaw was slack as he stared at the television. Despite his betrayal, she'd put everything right before leaving. He clicked off the TV. Closing his eyes, he dropped his head back against the couch.

He didn't know what to do. And for once, she wasn't around to guide him.

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

* * *

**So obviously Felicity running away is more Oliver than it is her, but I think she'd need time and space. I also think that she'd never be so angry that she wouldn't fix everything she could before leaving. I realise I was a bit vague about what the secret was, but if you haven't figured it out, it'll be in the next chapter. **

**Let me know what you thought? Thanks for reading!**


	2. Coward

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, read, fave'd and followed this story. Here's the next installment. I had a couple complaints about the fact that she ran away, and I hope that this chapter sheds some light on that. I feel like I've actually kept this almost totally in canon which I'm pretty happy with (it also does a lot to explain the bits of this season that I'm displeased with.) **

***warning* there's a wee bit of swearing in this chapter., but it felt very _true _to the situation.**

**Anyways, enjoy this chapter! I own nothing.**

* * *

_It's so loud inside my head_

_With words that I should have said_

* * *

He waited three days to call her. The message telling him that the number had been disconnected was both painful and surprising.

She'd come back. He knew that. If for no other reason than Diggle was still her family and she'd want to help clean up the city. But he wasn't sure she'd ever come back to _him_.

Oliver glared into the mirror as he washed the sweat from his face. The marks from his final battle with Slade were beginning to fade, replaced by the ugly shiner John had given him.

"_You knew?" John bellowed, fists clenched._

_Oliver nodded. He knew before John moved what he was going to do but he made no move to stop him. He stumbled backwards and sat heavily as he watched his friend turn and walk away from him._

Dig didn't stay angry for long. He was too reasonable for that. He came back three hours later with beer and burgers. Felicity would be thrilled to hear that Big Belly Burger had been spared any damage. The owner was single-handedly feeding the Glades these days.

The city was scrambling to recover for the second time in less than a year. Oliver's first order of business after being reinstated was to provide the resources to rebuild the city and funds to help cover the medical expenses of those hurt during the melee. The board had been very eager to agree. Some critics called it a publicity stunt, others seemed to understand that Oliver Queen held himself and his family company responsible for the trauma that had befallen Starling City. Either way, a week after the 'Starling City Massacre' people were beginning to rebuild, to rise from the ashes.

Sara had rejoined Nyssa and the League. Their first mission was to find Malcolm Merlyn. His reincarnation should have surprised Oliver but he'd watched too many die and reappear years later at this point.

Malcolm's visit with Thea had been confusing for his sister. Oliver would forever owe Malcolm for keeping her safe while the city burned. But he had never been prouder of his sister for the way she'd handled herself. His little sister, a woman now, had not only saved Merlyn's life, but had returned to Oliver's side. She would never fully recover from their mother's death, but she didn't blame her brother for it either.

They were a family. Roy hadn't left Thea's side since the fight had ended and Oliver found himself thankful for the young man's presence. A single does of the cure had done little to temper his strength and abilities but his rage would never overtake him again. It had taken seven arrows containing the serum to cure Slade Wilson. Roy had decided to keep his strength for now.

Oliver trudged through the lair and stopped behind her desk. Leaning against a supply table, he stared at her empty chair.

He had considered tracking her down. Felicity could cover her tracks but he was sure that Amanda Waller could find her; she did owe him and Starling a favour or ten at this point. He knew that she wouldn't disappear completely, just in case she was needed. But asking Waller felt like a betrayal to Felicity. She needed space and he was the reason.

He hadn't always known the truth. He wasn't sure if Slade had twisted the truth the way he had done with Thea. Slade had convinced his sister that he'd known of her true paternity for years. He wondered if Slade hadn't altered the timeline with Felicity as well. The irony was that he'd learned the truth about both women on the same day. Felicity's honesty about Thea had driven him to dig into her own past.

After confronting his mother he'd needed to do something, _anything, _to get his mind off of Thea's paternity and his mother's lies. He'd been in the basement sitting in Felicity's chair, drawing comfort from the scent that lingered in her workspace. His mind had wandered to the beginning of their conversation and how hurt she still was over her father's abandonment. And suddenly Oliver had a purpose. Because he desperately wanted to hit something, some_one_. And any loser who would willingly abandon Felicity Smoak was an appropriate target for his rage.

He knew that Felicity must have conducted her own research on the man. She hacked federal databases with little effort, so he knew that he'd probably have no success in searching for him either. But he needed to do something.

He'd done a background check on Felicity after their first meeting so he knew her parent's names. He knew her birthdate and her credit score. He'd never thought to actually check out her parents beyond finding their names on her birth certificate.

A quick google search of Tony Smoak was enough to bring the world down around him. His vision tunnelled and his breath caught in his chest as he stared at the man in the white lab coat. It was a group photo of several young doctors standing inside a laboratory.

It could be a coincidence of course, and Oliver blew out a breath hopefully before clicking on another image. Except that it was the same man in each picture. And as Oliver stared at the man's face he saw her mouth and the same blue eyes. He recognized her features in the man in a way he'd never seen her father's features in her.

His life wasn't complicated enough apparently. Because why the hell else would Felicity Smoak's father be Anthony Fucking Ivo?

He snapped. His rage carried him throughout the basement, destroying everything in his path, as if mirakuru itself pumped through his veins.

Sara said nothing of the damage when she arrived hours later. He'd switched from destruction to painstaking exercise as he desperately tried to make sense of this new truth.

The problem laid perhaps more in the feelings it stirred within him than it did in the fact that he'd killed Felicity's father. Because now that he knew he'd lose her, now that he knew he could never have her, he realised just how much he wanted her, _needed _her. With their future cracked and shattering around him, he knew with certainty that he cared for her, that he _loved _her.

He had broken them before they'd even met. So like the coward that he was he decided to push her away, to dissolve her feelings for him. He couldn't let her go though. He needed her, even if he couldn't be with her. So he fell into bed with Sara, pushing away the thoughts of the one he really wanted. He paraded their relationship in front of Felicity, ignoring the burn in his chest at the way it hurt both of them.

His resolve was shaken the night Tockman shot her. Sara's panicked words over the comm had nearly stopped his heart. His girlfriend had been so shaken that she hadn't thought to tell them that the wound wasn't fatal. And he'd never run so fast in his life.

Felicity's declaration in the basement about being his _girl _girl had stopped him from breaking the promise he'd made himself. Because there was no mistaking the way she felt about him, even after everything he'd put her through. So he'd told her the truth, but in a tone that pushed her firmly into the friend zone.

He thought that things would be easier after that. But he had been wrong. The only one who was oblivious to his feelings for her was Felicity herself. Dig knew, Sara knew, hell, even Roy knew.

His traitorous hands were always reaching for her and his gaze always lingered longer than appropriate. He always shared his deep dark truths with Felicity. She was always the one he allowed beyond the walls he hid behind. He showed only her the weakness that crippled him and every time her faith healed him.

Sara's speech about light and darkness had been about Felicity. He'd known that even before her not so subtle glance at the blonde IT expert.

He should have told her.

There were a thousand different times when he could have, should have brought it up.

But Oliver Queen had said goodbye too many times to too many people he loved. And he wasn't willing to risk it.

So instead he buried the secret deep inside and allowed it to fester inside of him. He allowed it to taint their interactions, to haunt his waking and sleeping hours.

He had pushed her away and pulled her back for months on end. He had shoved Sara under her nose but shared quiet intimate moments with Felicity as well.

It was hard to point out his fatal mistake. He could blame the moment where he instinctively shielded Felicity from Slade's attack in the basement, thus marking her as a future target. He could point out that he hadn't been careful enough around Isabel and had therefore raised her suspicions about their relationship.

But if he was being honest, and at this point he really needed to be, none of that mattered. Because anyone could see how he felt about her. She was always going to be the final target.

His mistake had been in doubting her. Because Felicity was the best of them. If he lived for another thousand years he would never meet anyone like her, anyone as light, as kind and as loyal as Felicity.

He hadn't believed that she'd forgive him, that she'd remain by his side if she knew the truth.

That had been his mistake.

If he'd only told her the truth, the horrible, hurtful truth and been brave the way she had been in telling him about Thea. Hindsight was 20/20 and _such_ a raging bitch.

If he'd only trusted her then she'd still be here. He wouldn't be staring at her empty desk, praying that she was alright.

Slade knew that Oliver loved her. And Felicity should know that now as well. But she probably didn't. Because that knowledge had been tainted by his secrets and his lies.

If he'd only been honest than perhaps they'd finally be together.

But he hadn't.

And now she was gone.

* * *

_And as I drown in my regrets_

_I can't take back the words I never said_

* * *

**Angst-fest over here. I hope you enjoyed it and don't worry, there's more. And it won't all be this depressing. Anyways, I hope this did a bit to explain why she took off. **

**Because I don't think that Oliver killing Ivo (especially when he was already dying) would be enough to push her away for good. And I can't believe that he'd know from the beginning, but I can kind of picture him finding out and then hiding it. And _that _I think would hurt her, especially after finding out Oliver loves her (because how confusing would that be?)**

**Let me know what you think? Thanks for reading!**


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